The Quiet Wounds That Still Hurt - Understanding Childhood Trauma and Attachment Wounds
🎧 This blog is a summary of a deeper dive on the Let's Sit With This podcast. This episode is part 2 in the It Didn’t Look Like Trauma series
Click here to listen to the full episode.
When the Wound Was Invisible
In Episode 1, we explored how attachment forms in childhood and how early relationships shape our nervous system, our sense of safety, and our ability to connect with others.
Today, we’re talking about the things that didn’t look like trauma—at least not at the time. The quiet things. The invisible things. The things you didn’t have words for, or weren’t allowed to say.
Some of these wounds came from experiences people typically recognize as trauma—physical or sexual abuse, chronic neglect, or violence. Others came from the absence of emotional safety: needs that went unseen, misunderstood, or consistently missed.
Both matter. Both deserve space.
Understanding Trauma vs. Attachment Wounds
Trauma is what happens when something overwhelms your capacity to cope and you don’t have the safety, time, or support to process it. This isn’t always big or dramatic—it might not even look like trauma to you or others.
Attachment wounds often form in quieter ways. They develop when the safety and connection you needed from caregivers was inconsistent or absent.
Not all painful childhood experiences meet the clinical definition of trauma—but that doesn’t mean they don’t leave lasting marks.
Common Invisible Wounds
1. Emotional Abuse & Neglect
Emotional abuse isn’t always yelling or name-calling. It can be chronic criticism, sarcasm that cuts deep, being made to feel like a burden, or being shamed for having needs.
Emotional neglect might look like growing up in a home where no one asked how you were really doing. Your emotions weren’t seen, validated, or handled with care—so you bottled them up.
The message this sends to a child is:
“You’re too much.”
“You’re not enough.”
“Your needs don’t matter.”
2. Abandonment & Inconsistency
You don’t have to be physically left to feel abandoned. A parent can be present but emotionally unavailable due to addiction, depression, illness, or their own trauma.
When love feels unpredictable, kids often:
Walk on eggshells
Become hypervigilant
Take on adult roles too early
Strive to be “easy” or perfect to avoid being left again
3. Chronic Misattunement
Misattunement happens when a caregiver repeatedly misses, misreads, or ignores a child’s emotional needs.
This might look like:
Being told to stop crying instead of being comforted
Having fear dismissed as “irrational”
Being scolded for anger rather than supported through it
Even well-meaning parents can create chronic misattunement if they’re uncomfortable with emotions. Over time, this teaches a child to disconnect from their feelings, shut down, and prioritize survival over being known.
4. When Caregivers Carry Their Own Pain
Sometimes caregivers are living with depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma, or emotional immaturity.
This can lead to:
Chaotic or tense family dynamics
Kids becoming caretakers or peacemakers
Learning to monitor everyone else’s mood at the cost of your own needs
How These Wounds Affect Attachment
When early wounds go unseen or unaddressed, they don’t disappear—they show up in adulthood.
You might:
Cling to closeness and fear abandonment (anxious attachment)
Pull away when things get vulnerable (avoidant attachment)
Crave connection but also push it away (disorganized attachment)
Even in safe environments now, your nervous system may still expect danger—because that’s what it learned.
Why We Minimize Our Wounds
It’s common to think:
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people had it worse.”
“My parents were doing their best.”
“I turned out fine.”
Minimizing isn’t just denial—it’s protection. If speaking up once meant disconnection, punishment, or shame, downplaying your pain became a survival strategy.
The problem? Healing can’t happen while you pretend it didn’t matter.
Making Space for What Was Missed
Sometimes what hurt most was what didn’t happen:
No one said, “That shouldn’t have happened to you.”
No one asked why you suddenly stopped going to a friend’s house.
No one noticed you were withdrawing, self-harming, or lonely.
You don’t have to call it trauma if that word doesn’t fit. You just have to tell the truth—gently, slowly, and at your own pace.
Why This Matters for Healing
Naming and validating these wounds is a first step. Therapy can help you:
See these patterns without self-blame
Learn safe ways to connect with others
Grieve what you didn’t get, so you can begin to heal
You are not broken. You adapted. And you’re allowed to grieve the things you never received.
💬 Want to go deeper?
This post is just a summary. In Episode 2 of It Didn’t Look Like Trauma, I share more examples, personal insights, and ways to begin this work.
