Let’s Talk About Attachment: How Early Bonds Shape Safety and Connection
🎧 This blog is a summary of a deeper dive on the Let's Sit With This podcast. Click here to listen to the full episode.
In this blog post, we’re diving into one of the most foundational—and often overlooked—parts of our emotional development: attachment. Whether relationships feel safe or overwhelming, whether you trust easily or pull away, there’s a reason for that. And it starts early.
Understanding Attachment
Attachment is the bond we form with the people who care for us. It shapes how we understand safety, trust, and connection. And it begins long before we can put any of those words to use.
As a trauma therapist and a mom, I come to this topic with both clinical training and lived experience. I’ve spent years studying attachment and watching it unfold in real time with my own children. I’ve seen the small ruptures, the repairs, and the way presence can reshape safety. It’s powerful. And it matters.
A Gentle Warning Before You Read
Talking about attachment can stir up old pain—especially if your own early relationships were filled with confusion, disconnection, or fear. You might notice feelings surfacing that you didn’t expect. If that happens, try to meet yourself with compassion or neutrality.
If you’re in therapy, bring up anything that feels tender or confusing. If you’re not, this might be a good time to seek out an attachment-focused trauma therapist. You deserve to feel safe and supported.
Note: This post includes references to childhood trauma, including emotional neglect and abuse, but no graphic descriptions.
How Attachment Forms in Early Life
Dr. Curt Thompson says, “We are all born into this world looking for someone looking for us.”
From the moment we’re born, we are wired to seek connection. A baby’s brain is undeveloped at birth, meaning they’re completely dependent on caregivers for both survival and emotional regulation. That’s where attachment begins.
Infants are equipped with something called a mirror neuron system—a part of the brain that helps them read facial expressions, copy behaviors, and learn through social connection. It’s why babies start mimicking your smile or your voice within weeks. It’s also how they begin to understand the emotional tone of the world around them.
These interactions form the foundation for how a child sees themselves, others, and the world.
What Builds Secure Attachment
A key piece of healthy attachment is something called attunement—when a caregiver notices, accurately interprets, and responds to a child’s needs. It doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence.
Thankfully, research shows we only need to get it right about 30–50% of the time. The rest of the time, we’re either trying to figure it out or repairing a moment of disconnection.
When this kind of care happens consistently, babies start to develop secure attachment. They internalize safety and trust. They come to believe that the world is generally dependable—and so are they. As they grow, securely attached kids show confidence in seeking comfort, asking for help, and expressing emotions.
Over time, secure attachment leads to:
Positive self-esteem
Trust in others
A sense of safety and structure
The world may still be scary sometimes—but with support, they believe they can navigate it.
When Attachment Becomes Insecure
From a nervous system perspective, attachment isn’t just emotional—it’s biological. We’re wired to find safety through connection. So when that connection is unpredictable, overwhelming, or unsafe, our bodies adapt to survive. That’s how insecure attachment can begin to form.
Anxious Attachment
This can develop when a child doesn’t know whether their needs will be met. They may cry more, cling harder, or constantly seek reassurance. As they grow, this might look like:
People-pleasing
Separation anxiety
Fear of rejection
They may learn that connection is something to be chased, not something they can count on.
Avoidant Attachment
This often forms when a child learns that expressing needs leads to rejection or punishment. These children might seem independent or emotionally distant. But under the surface, they’ve learned that vulnerability isn’t safe. Over time, they may believe:
“I can only trust myself.”
“Needing others leads to pain.”
Loneliness may feel safer than connection.
Disorganized Attachment
This style combines both anxious and avoidant behaviors. It often develops when a caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear—such as in homes with abuse, chaos, or unpredictability.
Children with disorganized attachment may:
Crave closeness but push it away
Show confusing or contradictory behaviors
Struggle with trust and emotional regulation
Here's a visual breakdown of how attachment patterns develop—starting with the cues your nervous system picks up early on:
What Attachment Can Look Like Over Time
As children grow, these attachment patterns tend to follow them—into friendships, school, and eventually adult relationships. It’s normal to see anxious or avoidant behaviors at times (hello, velcro babies and “I do it!” toddlers). What matters most is the pattern over time and how it shows up across relationships.
If you have concerns about your child’s development, it’s always worth checking in with a professional. You’re not alone—and your efforts to show up, repair, and try again matter more than you think.
Attachment Wounds and Developmental Trauma
Children rely on caregivers for a sense of physical and emotional safety. When that doesn’t happen—whether due to abuse, neglect, or more subtle forms of misattunement—attachment wounds can form.
Sometimes it’s obvious harm: physical or sexual abuse, abandonment, or chronic neglect.
But often, it’s quieter:
A parent who was always anxious, angry, or withdrawn
A caregiver coping with addiction, depression, or trauma
Being “the easy kid” to keep the peace
You might have been fed, clothed, and told you were loved—and still felt lonely or unsafe. Your body remembers what your brain might not. Because safety isn’t about appearances. It’s about attunement.
Final Thoughts
If this brought up emotions, confusion, or memories—you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re connecting dots your brain and body have been holding for a long time. And that’s part of healing.
These patterns didn’t come out of nowhere. They were adaptations. They helped you survive. But they may not be helping you connect anymore.
The good news? You’re not stuck. Attachment can be repaired. Safety can be relearned. Connection can become something that soothes, not something that scares.
Want to go deeper? In the next blog post, we’ll talk about how these early patterns show up in adulthood—and how we minimize or normalize pain just to keep functioning.
📍If you’re looking for a therapist, I recommend working with a licensed trauma-informed clinician who understands attachment.
